A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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