im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How does it feel to date your dad?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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