My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
