I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
