I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
