So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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