my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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