Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
