My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
