I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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