Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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