This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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