This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
