Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
