kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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