porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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