so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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