My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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