just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
