You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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