Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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