This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't deserve a penis
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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