My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
