I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
