I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
