it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
