Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
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My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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