Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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