i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
