went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
