my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
