She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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