he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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