I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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