I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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