you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
