when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
