I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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