I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
