I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize