the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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