I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
