I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
