Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
