Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
