I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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