even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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