dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
