dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
