just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
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