Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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