i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
