So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
