dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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