If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
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Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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