Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
