Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
